In the subtitles I wrote that Oh I love you how I love you!

The short of it:
The trip to see Mattison was wonderful, our relationship feels solid, and classes are almost over.

The long of it:
Back from my Cinci/Baltimore trip. In spite of my original hesitations, it was a spectacular, wonderful trip. The bus trip was alright and Cinci is a pretty cool city. We stayed in the most luxurious Budget Host which had two telephones in every room, one by the bedside and one next to the toilet. You could probably populate a small town with the residue on the bedspreads, but that's just a guess. The plus was that Mattison and I got a room to ourselves, which is a little awkward considering the Bradys would not let me help pay for it. We were thankful for the privacy, awkwardness aside.

After dinner we saw The DaVinci Code...it was okay. Tom Hanks was definitely the wrong person for the role of Langdon, although my most lovely Audrey Tatou did a great job. I'm glad they're calling this her "break out" role, especially after Amelie (2002), Dirty Pretty Things (04 maybe?), and A Very Long Engagement (2005), and all three of those movies are leaps and bounds better films than DaVinci*. The van was not working well enough to trek back to Baltimore, so Mr. Brady, Matty, and I took a rented car back while Mrs. Brady and Conor headed up to Hudson to visit the grandparents and get the van fixed.

Matty and I watched A History of Violence and Millions, utterly different movies. History was pretty good, albeit bloody as hell and sporting a very, suprising (as in I was suprised it happened) sex scene. Millions was brilliantly uplifting, there's nothing like adorable children with British accents trying to do good in the world to make one feel better. Mr. Brady, Matty, and I went to the Baltimore Zoo, which was cool and a little bit depressing (as zoos tend to be). It was the first time I remember going to a zoo and seeing the animals actually moving. The leopards and the otters got my best of zoo nominations, as the leopards were super fierce and the otters adorable. Then Mattison and I celebrated our year and a half anniversary (which really isn't til the 4th, but it's hard to celebrate when you're 500 miles apart) by getting some amazing Indian food and having ice cream.

It was relaxed and spectacular, wonderfully reaffirmed the ease and general good vibes of our relationship. It's very exciting. I'm looking to go back around the Fourth of July, since I'm pretty positive the Gambia thing is going to wait until next year due to finances and the fact that the rainy season is coming up.

But I'm home now, had a date with Jen last night which was lovely. The topic was the Human Condition and we espoused our theories, brilliant as usual.

Class was cancelled today and I have only five more lectures in each class before I am freed for the summer. Very exciting. Time to go read some Woolf and enjoy the sun.










* I have not seen Dirty Pretty Things, but being a more cinematically important film than DaVinci isn't really that hard.

It may not be tangible or long lasting, but it sure is wonderful

Yesterday was the first day in weeks where I did not have work or school and I could just laze around most of the day. Took my car to the shop with Mom, slept, ran, painted my toenails, watched awful daytime tv, cleaned the fridge, napped, errands, etc. It was really nice. Brian, Mom, and I went to benihana to celebrate. I walked in to put a name on the list and I saw a woman that looked vaguely familiar, then walked in Mr.Bowen and I realized that it was his wife. I think I'm going to meet up with him soon and it was nice to see him again.

David picked me up later and we went to chili's (of course) to meet up with B, Mary, Andrew, and Tara. It was really nice to catch up. Mary's sister and Andrew's brother were at prom and we reminisced about how much our prom sucked. Jennie Ecclestone and Becky Thompson came later, none of us having seen them since prom and it was quite awesome. We've all known each other for so long and while I haven't kept up a long standing relationship with them, I was really excited to see them and see what their lives are like. It was superb.

Quote of the night:
Mary- " Wow everyone in the picture looks really good...except for B." Classic Mary.

I went home, exhausted, fell asleep, felt ridiculously happy.

Back on my feet, ready to go

I love when I just snap out of shitty moods. I feel a hell of a lot better than yesterday and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it's because I'm going to finish this syntax paper tonight and have one less thing to worry about. That's probably a big part.

I was at St. Thomas today, talking with one of the seventh grade girls and apparently two of the boys I work with think I'm pretty awesome, "Miss S, they think you're the coolest thing that's ever happened, they want to marry you if you weren't so old,". I got a kick out of that, hilarious. It's so adorable. Apparently they act completely different around me than the other kids at school because they want to impress me, which unfortunately means that they're not so nice when I'm not around. Funny things.

I really miss watching the Partins. They're so hilarious.

Okay, paper paper paper! I've got this under control!

I get to see Mary tommorow, get free food at Buca's, and get paid...woopwoop.

I was happy to see the sun, but mostly my life is out of control

It finally stopped raining and I got to go running.

I feel overwhelmed and on the verge of tears. Not because I'm sad or upset, I'm just stressed and I feel awful. I hate crying. Actually, no, I hate how people perceive crying or I hate how I always end up crying when I fail to keep a hold on my life.

My brain needs a leash.

This paper madness needs to stop.

I did get the time off of work to go to see Mattison but the trip is so short I wish that I hadn't bought the plane ticket so it could be rearranged for an actual trip. I'm a little nonplussed.

I was plussed to see Mary today. She's leaving again soon though to do the South Dakota thing.

I want classes to end. Now.

I feel fucking ridiculous. Absofuckinglutely ridiculous.

Rainy Thursday with John Donne

Well, I'm cooling a little bit down but I'm still pretty convinced that I don't need to see my father again in a very long time. If ever. What an awful human being. I don't want this to fester in me and end up bitter like him. I am incredibly unimpressed.

I am really busy. Super busy. A super hero busy. Maybe not that much, but I'm pulling quite a few hours at work and school is *intense*. I forgot how hard spring semesters hit you and I feel a little overwhelmed. I have a lot to do this weekend. My goal tonight is to write my Lit paper, but I think that's over ambitious. I'm going to do my best. I have a working outline, but we'll see how that goes. The professor seems like she could be kinda hard. I also have four books on Brazil and Brasilia waiting for me to crack them. I am scared and I need to do well this semester.

If I get the time off...only about two more weeks until I see Mattison! I feel less lonely this year, maybe because I'm busier or just more used to it. It's early yet.

I got to see Brandie today and that was awesome. It was a nice break between class and dealing with the kids (who were being little shits today).

I was talking to Bran and Jen about this and ruminating on my thoughts on gastric bypass. A relative of mine, my age and very overweight (almost twice my weight), recently had this done and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I get the feeling that she never really tried to lose the weight. I know she tried, but according to my grandparents she was still eating a lot of fast food and drinking two to five sodas (regular, not diet) a day. She also quit hockey and has since been rather inactive. I mean genetics has a part in it I'm sure, but I mean I couldn't maintain my weight by eating lots of fast food and soda. I rarely have soda or fast food and I run between fifteen and twenty miles a week. I watch my diet and exercise. I don't know. It feels a little like cheating to me, but whatever makes you happy I guess? Still haven't turned in a verdict.

Okay, getting going on Donne before going birthday present shopping with the fab Jendavis.

It just won't happen

He won't ever change and I am not willing to put up with his negativity and the guilt complexes he imposes on me.

If I am not willing to take it, that leaves only one other option.

I just don't want him in my life anymore.

Joys

1. Updating music on my ipod
2. Eating grapefruit, then squeezing the halves into a bowl and drinking the juice
3. Not having to wake up to an alarm
4. Having nature remind me that even in flat, dull Michigan, Spring is beautiful.
5. Jendavis' return!
6. I don't have to wake up at 7:00 in the morning to avoid the heat and I can run whenever because the sweltering heat and humidity have yet to arrive.

I'm sure there are more, but those are the pertinent ones. Work is going pretty well, although it's pretty simple and I don't feel challenged *at all*. Whatever. I'm there to make some money, that's all. I hope that I can work five mornings with Scott, that way I won't have to work at Buca's as much. Blah. We'll see. They seem pretty cool about taking time off, I'll ask Roie on Wednesday as the manager that appears to be the weekend manager doesn't seem as interested as he does. I don't know, I've been really snap-judgemental lately.

Goals for the weeked: finish Brazilian reading, write response, poetry reading, pick a poem for analysis, and see Jendavis.

I'm upset that I don't have a copy of my 350 poetry paper from last semester. I guess it's better that I don't have the option of turning it in again, but damn that would be nice to avoid writing another fucking poetry anaylsis.

We're kings among runaways

I believe I'll be seeing him in three weeks.

It hasn't been a week since I moved home.

The latter realization just about deflates all the optimism, all the feelings of "I'm doing better this summer". I was doing better, but today it's not going so well.

Here we go

Well, the first half of my summer has officially begun. I started classes and they all seem pretty good. My Brazilian modernisms class seems particularly badass, two of my friends from last semester are in it, but we're already supposed to be thinking about final paper topics, which I find difficult considering I know next to nothing about Brazil and basically nothing about modern Brazilian art. Poetry and Lit look fine, although if we spend a lot of time talking about the definitions of simile, metaphor, personification, or irony, I think my brain will explode. I'm sorry, that sort of stuff just should not take up time in a 200-level English class at U of M. It just shouldn't. Haven't we been learning about these things since Elementary school?

First day of work went well, I suppose. It wasn't a super busy night but I think I'll get the feel for it sooner than later. The people seemed pretty friendly and all. Pay isn't awful. I hope I can bust my ass and move up. I think I'll be able to be away Memorial Day weekend to go visit Matty.

It's been okay but I've not even been home for a week. Time has slowed down. I was talking to Jen last night and I don't want to wish my life away, especially probably my last summer at home, but I don't want to be here. I love my Mom and Brian and want them to come home, but I don't want to be here. I want to be living in the Dewey house, with Mattison a five minute walk away on Woodlawn. Not hundreds of miles away. I miss Ann Arbor.

The Northville Summer

I started a new painting last night, I think this is my first large scale, original painting since perhaps my senior year. That's ridiculous, but what else have I done? I did the bag of A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jette, a picture of Mattison and me, and spent the first half of this year doing the Italy picture. No original compositions. It feels fanfuckingtastic.

I guess the idea behind it the thought that words and images are inextricably linked. All words conjure up images and images want words to describe them. I have a hard time seperating them in memory. There are book quotations, song lyrics, movie dialogue, or my own words connected to each image in my mind. I guess not all visual memories have words. The best memories are verbally blank and emotionally charged. I have a lot of book quotations right now, I'm hoping to add more of my own voice as the layers build. Mmmm I miss painting. I think I lost some glazesque paint thinner that I wish I had for layering over the words. Words, words, words.

I'll go running soon, come back to shower, start painting...perhaps throw in Amelie or Under the Tuscan Sun, maybe finish up the basement, maybe go to Target, maybe organize the music acquired from Mattison, but I think I'm hosting the first Piston's party tonight, for the U of Mers anyways. No one else is home yet.

I'm doing okay. So far, so good.