oh the days

I'm doing a lot better this year. I haven't completely freaked out yet and I'm hoping I can make it through without counting down the days until the move home. I guess I'm less scared than last year, since I kinda know what to expect. It doesn't give me any comfort though. I wouldn't call it depression, but I'll call it withdrawl. Maybe that's bad too, I sound obsessed or addicted. But maybe that's accurate. I'm going to be losing something I'm accustomed to having daily. I still get anxious when he's gone for a day or when I see him in the morning and don't see him again until night. I don't know if that's healthy or not. He makes me happy though, and it takes such little effort for him to make my day so much better. Love always sounds like a mix of euphoria and mental illness.

I don't feel a sense of closure coming to this year. I've had my last Shakespeare lecture, but the sense of ending hasn't hit me yet. Last year I remember feeling that things were slowly wrapping up, I knew when all the lasts where happening and when everything around home was to begin anew. This year its different. I feel that we've all spread out and my life is nothing short of chaotic. I don't know when my family is going to Gambia and I'm not looking forward to being by myself at home for the first couple weeks. I'm going to be broke, miserable, and probably pretty pathetic for at least a week or two. I think I can allow myself that. I need to get a pair of nice, extremely comfortable work shoes and to get my black pants shortened. I might have to go to my father's house for that. His birthday is in ten days and I'm not so sure how to address that issue.

I'm not forward to going home. Staying positive, I'm mapping out my summer reading. Shakespeare is up there, I'm thinking a play a month? I have to do Vergil, so my Latin will stay in tact over the summer, one hopes anyway. I have Seeing and that is number one on the list. I should read the two books Mattison let me borrow at the beginning of the year. I want to reread All the King's Men and Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, but I probably should hold off. I have a few Calvino books, some Atwood, and Blink waiting to be read. Everything is Illuminated and The Unbearable Lightness of Being were supposed to be spring break reads, so I should get to those. Oh goodness. Such ambition. I doubt I'll get through all of them though, especially with my spring semester. I will be busy though, I can say that. Three jobs, Buca's for the whole summer, St. Thomas til mid June and Art 101 from there til the end of August. I might be going to Africa, I'll certainly be going to Baltimore, and who knows what else?

I'm happy thought, for the most part. At least content. I'll have time to run and get back into shape, maybe I can get Mattison to fix my bike. Who knows? Maybe I'll even patch things up with my father. People will be home for the most part, I think. I feel this summer will be spread out, much more so than last year. We're drifting apart.

I only feel time retrospectively and even then I can't gather up all these moments.