Here's the thing

The more I think about it, which I avoid thinking about it because it makes my bile and my blood pressure rise, I don't want my father in my life. Ever again. I think about ways to avoid having him in my life. I want him to forget about me and move on with his life as if I had died, because he is unofficially dead to me. I don't want a relationship with him. I don't even want to try. You can call me a defeatist and say that I'm giving up too soon. You can tell me that a relationship between a parent and child is worth effort than I am giving it. You can tell me that I'm being a cold hearted bitch with no compassion or sense, but then you would just be telling me things that my father has already called me.

We spoke, on the phone, for the first time in months. I have been perfectly content (not happy, but I've been satisfied) the last few months without communication. I am slowly putting the issue (ie him) to rest. I am still angry. I am still hurt. I am not yet past the phase where this is all history. It's still very much in the present for me, but I'm starting to put his role in my life into past tense. Today's conversation was disturbingly normal. It was all small talk. Nothing was addressed. I wanted to bite my tongue when I asked him "How are you?" because I don't care. I told him I would call him. That's probably a lie. I probably won't call him until I move back to school. I am not too busy to call or to see him. I simply don't want to, I think it would only have a negative affect on my life.

This whole parent-child issue bothers me. I should not be obligated to keep him in my life if he has been a toxin to my emotional well being. One shouldn't keep a spouse if there was consistent emotional abuse. If it was persistent, an advisor would most likely recommend divorce. Why can't I have that? Why can't I sever him as one would remove a harmful spouse or a vindictive friend or a cancerous tumor?

I don't want anything from him. I don't want support that will just be used as a weapon against me later. I don't want money from him that will be used against me as a mechanism of guilt. I don't want him to pretend that he cares for me. I don't want a relationship that will just fall apart because, to be quite honest, I don't want it. I am most likely completely capable of donning some sort of faulty emotional armor and trudging into the front lines and making some sort of ceasefire. I could probably sit through family dinners and smile and nod and pretend like all is well. I will not do it. I refuse to have that sort of false relationship. I'd rather be openly angry and vengeful with him than pretend that we get along. I've pretended that I was okay with him for years. I'm through with it. I don't respect him as a person. He's racist, misogynistic, ignorant, and completely disrespectful of me and the way I live my life. He's hateful toward my mother, my stepfather, my aunt, and my cousins. He's hateful toward me (probably because I'm not white, which is probably a stretch but I can't help but imagine this might be different if I weren't Asian, and female). Every time I have a response to one of his attacks, he screams about how I'm a disrespectful spoiled little bitch. Always. I'm always the "fucking spoiled ass little bitch" and he thinks that he deserves to be canonized.

Yes, I am biased and exaggerating. Yes, I have refused therapy for this. Yes, I have a bad attitude toward the whole scenario and that is probably part of the reason we can't get along.

But I refuse to be a part of his sick mind games. I absolutely refuse to be involved in a relationship that will only cause me harm.

I don't need him and more importantly, I don't want him in my life anymore.