anticipation

The day before a vacation isn't as hard to get through as the day previous. I leave for Baltimore Wednesday but I keep thinking that I leave tommorow. My mind is full of trickery!

Here's the thing

The more I think about it, which I avoid thinking about it because it makes my bile and my blood pressure rise, I don't want my father in my life. Ever again. I think about ways to avoid having him in my life. I want him to forget about me and move on with his life as if I had died, because he is unofficially dead to me. I don't want a relationship with him. I don't even want to try. You can call me a defeatist and say that I'm giving up too soon. You can tell me that a relationship between a parent and child is worth effort than I am giving it. You can tell me that I'm being a cold hearted bitch with no compassion or sense, but then you would just be telling me things that my father has already called me.

We spoke, on the phone, for the first time in months. I have been perfectly content (not happy, but I've been satisfied) the last few months without communication. I am slowly putting the issue (ie him) to rest. I am still angry. I am still hurt. I am not yet past the phase where this is all history. It's still very much in the present for me, but I'm starting to put his role in my life into past tense. Today's conversation was disturbingly normal. It was all small talk. Nothing was addressed. I wanted to bite my tongue when I asked him "How are you?" because I don't care. I told him I would call him. That's probably a lie. I probably won't call him until I move back to school. I am not too busy to call or to see him. I simply don't want to, I think it would only have a negative affect on my life.

This whole parent-child issue bothers me. I should not be obligated to keep him in my life if he has been a toxin to my emotional well being. One shouldn't keep a spouse if there was consistent emotional abuse. If it was persistent, an advisor would most likely recommend divorce. Why can't I have that? Why can't I sever him as one would remove a harmful spouse or a vindictive friend or a cancerous tumor?

I don't want anything from him. I don't want support that will just be used as a weapon against me later. I don't want money from him that will be used against me as a mechanism of guilt. I don't want him to pretend that he cares for me. I don't want a relationship that will just fall apart because, to be quite honest, I don't want it. I am most likely completely capable of donning some sort of faulty emotional armor and trudging into the front lines and making some sort of ceasefire. I could probably sit through family dinners and smile and nod and pretend like all is well. I will not do it. I refuse to have that sort of false relationship. I'd rather be openly angry and vengeful with him than pretend that we get along. I've pretended that I was okay with him for years. I'm through with it. I don't respect him as a person. He's racist, misogynistic, ignorant, and completely disrespectful of me and the way I live my life. He's hateful toward my mother, my stepfather, my aunt, and my cousins. He's hateful toward me (probably because I'm not white, which is probably a stretch but I can't help but imagine this might be different if I weren't Asian, and female). Every time I have a response to one of his attacks, he screams about how I'm a disrespectful spoiled little bitch. Always. I'm always the "fucking spoiled ass little bitch" and he thinks that he deserves to be canonized.

Yes, I am biased and exaggerating. Yes, I have refused therapy for this. Yes, I have a bad attitude toward the whole scenario and that is probably part of the reason we can't get along.

But I refuse to be a part of his sick mind games. I absolutely refuse to be involved in a relationship that will only cause me harm.

I don't need him and more importantly, I don't want him in my life anymore.

Feeling less riled...

Good day.

Dinner with Jendavis in a funky frock. Posted a new livejournal picture. Ate dark chocolate ice cream with raspberries. Napped. Worked.

I've got a full five days at Buca before I head to see Mattison.

I am very excited about life right now. Very very excited.

I don't think things through

I think I just ruined my schedule for the fall. I thought to myself "While I like Impressionism, I don't want to drive it into the ground like I did the Renaissance; therefore, I should look to expand my horizons."

What I didn't think was "Do not trust wolverine access to tell you when a class is closed because sometimes it says it is open but it is only the lecture and there is a fucking sixteen person waitlist to get into the actual class."

Fuck.

Otherwise, life is good.

At the moment? FUCK.

It doesn't help that my parents just write off my intense stress as nothing. This is very important to me. It might not be that important in the big scheme of things but DAMN IT.

On another note: I really like Shadow of the Torturer, I'm working a fair amount this week, I'm very busy, I am dropping Florence papers off tommorow, I need to meet with a financial aid person tommorow because I got a boatload of notices on my finaid board and I don't know what they mean, I am buying a new planner tommorow, and I'm going to H&M. I really love my family. I really enjoy the company of a certain Jendavis.

My eyes hurt. My brain hurts. Time for bed yo.

Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger

I would like to give a...
Tip of the hat to new balance running shoes. Kudos to making 70% American manufactured products that are wonderfully comfortable, affordable, and generally aesthetically pleasing. I ran six miles yesterday and my legs crashed, bought new shoes and today I felt gggrrrreeat!

Wag of the finger to fashion. What the hell is going on with women's clothes right now? Everything out appears to look unflattering on the woman figure. Shirts bunched at the breasts that flow outward toward the waist and are banded around the belt line = pregnant. Skinny jeans, leggings = an extra ten pounds and a fat ass. The shirt/dress garments that reach halfway down the thigh = a piece that can't be worn alone without looking Paris Hiltonesque and when worn with pants looks equally distasteful. Footless tights = ridiculous, absurd. Long "tunic" tops look good on taller people, but generally make women of short to average height look squat. Additionally, any muffin-top protusion above the pant line will be accentuated by the super thin, long tops pulled skin tight over the plush cushioning. The little half blazer, shrug-monstrosities also flatter few women and just look ridiculous. Absurd. I guess I'll be saving money this fall as I will not be tempted to splurge on absolutely unflattering clothing. It also bothers me that people don't realize how bad they look in aforementioned fashions. You would think people would rather look composed in classic, flattering styles than look desperate and fat in the contemporary style, but hey, I guess that's just me.

A Tip of the Hat goes to walnut oil. What an awesome oil painting medium...I am in love. It's smooth, it smells good, and it supposedly doesn't yellow like linseed oil.

And a big fat Wag of the Finger to humidity. It feels awful. Hello summer, I loathe your sticky, heavy wet air and now I'll be running at 7:00 AM in order to survive my training.

blink

My phone arrived in the mail today, much to my happiness. It's been weird not having it, but it appears that I don't really need it since I only received two texts and one missed call in the four days it was gone.

I'm going back to Baltimore the evening of Wednesday Aug. 2nd and returning Sunday Aug. 6th. Yey! I'll buy my ticket in a few days and put in the time off request today.

I realized today that Target and Trader Joe's are two places I really need to avoid. I dropped $35 today between cat food, cat litter, blueberries, melon, olive oil, grapefruit juice, yogurt, kashi, tonic water, and dog toys (buy two for $1!! Ziggy loves his new squeaker!). Arrrrggghhhhh...well at least I made $25 of that last night on take out. I can't wait to go to work today and clean the whole front room. It'll probably be dead tonight, but at least I'm getting more hours. We're facing a severe overstaffing problem and I'm just glad that I'm not suffering too much. I feel bad that some of the newer hosts keep getting called off but damn it I was there first, they haven't quite mastered the floor and the computers yet, and I really need money.

Mattison got me interested in the Tour...it's pretty cool. I've been keeping it on whilst I continue my painting from earlier this summer. It looks pretty good so far and I'm on the oil self portrait stage (finally). Oils are hard but I'm learning. I think I'm going to do an oil seminar at CCS in the fall, or so I hope.

Hmm just enough time to do some cleaning up and take a nap before work.

Returning from Charm City

Another wonderful trip.

Walter's KAL exhibit, Thai food, Inconvenient Truth, dim sum, The Family Stone, Mattison's crit, Annapolis, fireworks and drinks with the neighbors, the Eastern Short, dolphins, jellyfish, new sunglasses from Mattison, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (What? I thought it was an eight percent chance! Who taught you math?), watching the Tour, Superman Returns, down to the harbor for fireworks with friends, Me You and Everyone We Know, feeling weird while watching the exceptionally awkward Me You and Everyone We Know, various naps and meals and other fun stuff (finishing Raise High the Roof Beams, Carpenters and Seymour: An Introduction and starting Blink).

Absolutely amazing...I love it.

Summer is halfway over, I'm going back in a month, the girls are getting together to ready the house (since Adam is away), all very exciting things.